Opaque Striped Jelly Recipe

So, we went to this Chinese buffet, and they had Jelly with an opaque layer... which was yummy. So I decided to experiment with the Striped Opaque stuff... and came up with this. Not only did i do the fish, but two pretty big bowls - this recipe makes TONS. I'm going to do some experiments with this, making the jelly stiffer, finding a way to use a deep mould etc... but for the time being, this is damn good eating jelly, and it's wibbly as heck.

You will need 5 packs of jelly in different flavours (it's fairly important you choose your flavours so they don't all end up the same colour btw), a can of evaporated milk, two measuring jugs, a soup spoon, and shallowish jelly moulds with enough space to hold 5 pints of jelly.

With each pack of jelly, you're going to be making two of the layers - you make the clear one, put it in the fridge for 30 mins, make the opaque one, and pour it onto the clear one... you can get all excited about mixing up the colours and stuff, but tbh, i couldn't face having that much jelly open and available to the dog.

Clear Layer

1/2 pack of jelly (6 cubes)

1/4 pint of hot water

1/4 pint of cold water

This recipe is bad for the environment... because when I say hot water, I mean boiling, and you're going to need lots of it over a long period of time. It's especially important in the opaque layer, because the water/jelly ratio is lower.

Pour the hot water onto the jelly and stir it loads till it's all dissolved. You might even need to microwave it, if your water wasn't hot enough. Pour in the cold water and stir to mix. The first layer is the easiest - you can pour it directly onto the moulds with no trouble. Put in fridge for 30 minutes

Opaque Layer

1/2 pack of jelly (6 cubes)

1/3 cup + 1 tbsp of REALLY hot water

1/3 cup + 1 tbsp  of cold water

1/3 cup + 1 tbsp of evaporated milk

Don't use condensed milk, or normal milk. It'll be rank.

Right. This is where it starts to get complex with the pouring. If you left it in the fridge overnight, the layer would be totally set, and you could basically do what you like... however, because life is WAY TOO FREAKING SHORT for that... you're going to need to hold a spoon more or less horizontal just above the semi set layer, and gently pour the opaque jelly onto the spoon - this kinda slows it down and stuff, and stops it punching a hole right through the layer - it'll slowly spread out all over the first layer, and you can shove it back into the fridge for another 30 mins.

Right. So that's basically the pattern - keep alternating opaque and clear layers, and keep using the spoon to slow the pouring and the fridge to speed up the setting. For firmly set jelly, leave it overnight after the last layer.

Stay tuned for further experimentations...

3 Day Mississippi Mud Pie (Gluten Free Version)

Ok. So first, I didn't take a picture. We just ate it. And also, because I'm an idiot beyond belief, I bought single cream instead of whipping or double cream, so we didn't actually have whipped cream on top. We poured cream on it. Only, it wasn't so much cream as white water with a solid layer of pollution type sludge on top. Roughly every six years I go to the shop to buy cream, and instead of buying Double Cream, or even Extra Doubled Cream I decide to go for the healthier option, and buy Single Cream. Don't bother asking me why I did this for a 4" thick slab of oozy chocolatey goodness, I just did. And don't bother asking why I didn't buy Whipping Cream (Clue is IN THE NAME PEOPLE) ...I just didn't. And don't ask me why I continued to attempt to whisk the stupid stuff for 10 minutes with an electric whisk. Sometimes, you just have to persevere. This was not one of those times.

Furthermore I got the original recipe from Martha Stewart. Now Martha is indeed the queen. No arguments here. However, there is something she misses out of her instructions... if you are a normal person, not possessed of a time machine, and with even the teensiest of jobs... YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS IN ONE EVENING. You can't even make it in one day. I think, if everything went right, and you did some bits in your PJ's and you got someone else to walk the dog, clean pans, and run to the store for the stuff you forgot.... you might make it in two days. Personally, I'm thinking this is a three evening mega pie. You have been warned. It is, however, BLOODY DELICIOUS.

Also... you could just make the Flourless Chocolate sponge. It is nyomy and delicious. But definitely would need cream. Preferably whipped.

DAY 1.

The Pie Crust

Either: 16 oz Oreos whizzed to death and mixed with:
5 tbsp butter

Or: 1 pack gluten free digestive biscuits, whizzed to death and mixed with:
5 tbsp butter (melt 3/4 of a block, you'll need more later)
2 tbsp cocoa
1 tbsp caster sugar

This is where it starts to get annoying. After creating the crust, line the bottom of a loose bottomed tin. (It has to be quite deep, I used my xmas cake one, but didn't shove the base down past the annoying ribby bit, because I did that with a cheesecake and the results were NOT PRETTY.) Then put the crusty stuff in, and press it round the sides and across the base Martha suggests using a wooden spoon. Use your damn fingers, just wash your hands and don't scratch your butt halfway through. At this point you may wish to pause and think of some inventive swearwords.

Empty half the stuff out of one of the drawers of your freezer.

Put the crust in for 10 minutes. Take it out, restock your freezer. Put crust in oven at Gas 2 or 300F if you're a crazy American who likes to pretend you cook stuff REALLY FIREY HOT. After 10 mins, remove and place on a cake rack to cool. While you're trying to work out why you did all that for a glorified cheesecake base, you can make:

The Flourless Chocolate Cake

4 tbsp melted butter (told you)
6 oz Dark Chocolate = one cooking size bar. Melt it into the butter over a saucepan of water.

2 tbsp instant expresso powder (Dunno what this is... I used 2 tbsp Millicano posh instant coffee)
1 tbsp vanila essence
1/4 tsp salt whisked into 1/4 cup strong coffee at room temp. Unless you're a big drinker of lukewarm black coffee, this is the moment when you're going to need to a) make a cup of coffee, b) throw most of it away because it's now the middle of the night after all that pissing about with the crust and c) use all those inventive swearwords when you realise you're going to need to empty the freezer again. I used an instant Amaretto flavoured coffee just because I like it, then put the other 3/4 in my henna mix and dyed my hair, so it wasn't a total waste.

Right. Separate 6 eggs

Whisk 6 egg yolks with
1/2 cup caster sugar until light and almost doubled in volume. Add the chocolate mixture. Add the coffee mixture.

Beat 6 egg whites till foamy.
1/2 cup caster sugar should be added in small portions, whisking continually until peaks form.

Add the whites to the choc/coffee mixture in batches - don't over mix it, you want some whitish streaks through it at the end. Pour into the cookie base and bake at Gas 4 until set but still 'jiggling' - about 40 mins. Allow to cool, then wrap in cling-film and refrigerate overnight. IT IS SUPPOSED TO SINK.

DAY 2.

This is where you're either lucky, or like me. If you're lucky, go be smug at the mousse recipe. If you're like me, you'll discover that although it was set but jiggling last night, it's now clear that the top crust was set but jiggling, while the underneath was, in fact, uncooked. Cover with foil and rebake till the middle is fairly cooked. You're now going to need to let it cool for 3 hours in the fridge again. If you're luckier than me, you'll be able to make the mousse right now... otherwise, you'll need to wait till you get home from work.

Chocolate Mousse

3/4 cup caster sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
1 cup cornstarch/corn flour/ground arrowroot  (all gluten free, but the time to find out you've run out of corn flour is not at 9 pm after work and shops are closed)
1/4 tsp salt whisked together in a saucepan.
4 large egg yolks whisked in to make a thick paste (if your egg yolks aren't big enough, use 5 yolks and a dash of milk) then gradually whisk in
2 1/2 cups whole milk. Place over a medium heat and bring to the boil, whisking constantly. Boil for 30 seconds (still whisking). Transfer to a bowl containing
2 tbsp vanilla essence
3 tbsp butter
3 oz dark chocolate. Keep whisking till combined and slightly cooled. You may now lick the whisk. Allow to stand for 15 mins. Spread clingfilm over the surface (it has to be touching it) to stop it getting a skin. If you're amazingly lucky and it's not currently the middle of the night, you can refrigerate it for 3 hours and skip straight to the next step. And feel very smug, cos it's only taken you 2 days. Ordinary mortals, refrigerate overnight and tackle the next step on

DAY 3.

Stir the chocolate mousse to loosen it up (no, I dunno why either, it didn't make any difference) and pour it onto the cake. Don't go over the top of the crust, or you'll have a messy accident when you de-tin it. Refrigerate for 30 mins. You could use this time to go and buy the wrong cream and/or make a dinky little American flag for the top out of cocktail sticks and sticky labels.

Whipped Cream Topping

1/4 cups Double or Whipping cream
2 tbsp sugar whisked together until peaky. Slather on top of the mousse, prise the pie out of the tin and slither onto a plate and tah dah! all done.

Bitter Voice of Experience

This pie does not like to be warm. It oozes and collapses and is generally a pest. Keep it in the fridge till you're ready to amaze everyone.

Gluten Free Banana Cake with Stuff in.

This is (loosely) based on a Delia Smith recipe for Banana and Walnut Loaf from last century (1981). You can do a straight switch for plain flour if you don't want to be gluten free. You can also buy a bag of mixed dates, sultanas and 'toffee' at Sainsburys and whack that in... or add chopped pecans as well. Tbh, you can probably shove most stuff in this, and it'll taste great.

3oz melted butter
4oz light brown soft sugar
1 large egg
8oz flour
2tsp baking powder
4 bananas
8 dates
a handful of sultanas
1tsp vanilla essence
plus either a good big handful of chopped soft toffee OR dark chocolate. (Not both. ewww)

Mash the bananas and stir in beaten egg. Add the butter, vanilla essence and sugar, then sift in the flour and baking powder. Chop up the dates, nuts and chocolate/toffee till the pieces are about the size of sultanas, then throw them all in. Throw in the sultanas as well. Stir it all up, and slop into a couple of loaf tins.

Cook at Gas mark 4 till it's all golden and springs back when you poke it. Leave it to cool for a bit in the tin, then loosen with a knife and tip out onto a cooling rack. Cover with a clean dishtowel to stop the cat licking it.

Gluten Free Secret Vegetable Spiced Chocolate Muffins

I'm struggling with depression atm, pills changing, not blogging... however, this recipe is epic.

It's scaled down by 50% from the original as I only had 250g courgette... i'll put the original numbers in brackets. It's also possible to do a straight substitute for non gluten free flour (i've never made the original recipe, cos a) i've only bought two courgettes my whole life, and b) my muffin testing friend is gluten free. it's supposed to be awesome).

Step One

250g courgettes (500g)

Trim then grate courgettes in food processor. Weigh them if you're feeling picky. About 2 courgettes, there'll be enough to give a bearded dragon a treat left over.

Step 2

1/2 cup sunflower oil (1 cup)
3/4 cup soft dark sugar (1 1/2 cup)
2 small eggs (3 large)

Wang all this in the food processor (with the blade attachment thingy) and whizz like hell.

Step 3

1 1/4 cups Gluten free flour (2 1/2 cups)
1/4 cup cocoa (1/2 cup)
3/4 tsp baking powder (1 1/2 tsp)
1/2 tsp baking soda (1 tsp)
3/4 tsp cinnamon (1 1/2 tsp)
1/2 tsp nutmeg (1 tsp)

Tip all this in, then use a spatula to sort of fold it into the liquidy stuff so it doesn't turn into chocolate spiced smoke and go up your nose. Whizz like hell.

Step 4

half a big bar of chopped dark chocolate

this is a definite necessity. you can chuck in 1/2 cup walnuts (1 cup) if you feel like it, but my tester doesn't eat nuts.

Give it a tiny whizz just to mix it in. Plop 1 1/2 tbsp in each muffin case and bake at gas 4 (180 C) till they bounce back when you poke them.

Finished Nelly teapot

I finished him. And I added a mouse. Like you do.

Nelly Teapot

 So, I've only increased my meds for one day.... and already I'm feeling more creative. This little guy needs a lot more work, but I rather like him.

Some stuff I painted...

I painted this owl this year - and this hippo all the way back in 2010.

I'm rather proud of both.







But I'm incredibly proud of this - a simple plate, made on a spinner, but it's beyond what I thought my skill level was.

Extreme Crochet

So. I decided I wanted to do some Extreme crochet.

Mainly because I wanted one of these, which I saw on a ripped out page from an Observer magazine from June 2006.

So I bought a load of yarn in the Ice Yarn garage sale (40 balls for £40 inc delivery, and omg how awesome was the delivery... they TEXT me to tell me it was about to arrive!)

And then I was like... hmmmm. Need a hook. So I checked with my friends, in case one of them had one they'd gone off. No luck.

So I made one. Out of Fimo.

 I basically made it black. With a cut-off Yo Sushi chopstick inside to give it some rigidity (thanks mum).



Then I got a bit over excited with some bits of crazy ass sample stuff my sister gave me that she'd made with some silver stuff and bright fimo and a pasta machine, which had kinda broken into bits cos I've had it over a year now...

....and so now I have a crochet hook that looks like a pink snake exploded all over it. But in a good way.


Also. I photographed it next to the sellotape to give it some scale. Professionals use rulers, but I couldn't find one. Just get hold of a roll of sellotape and kinda... squint.

Banana Fudge Muffins

So.... My depression has been pretty bad recently, so I've not been blogging so much, however... today I did an epic amount of baking, and made up my first recipe for muffins :)

This is what I made today - Banana Fudge muffins, Blueberry muffins (smoooooth ones) and choc chip peanut butter cookies.

There are currently 12 muffins and 12 cookies in the freezer, waiting for my lovely friend Slop to come and claim some as a barracks warming gift ;) plus allllllll these waiting for me to eat them.

This is the recipe for Banana Fudge Muffins.

Combine in a big bowl with a whisk:
12oz plain flour
1 tbsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 bag (roughly 4oz) of Mini Fudge Chunks

In a different bowl:
2 eggs
240ml warm milk
6oz sugar
4oz melted butter
1 tsp vanilla essence
2 mashed banananas

Fold the wet ingredients into the dry ones, don't over mix. Spoon into muffin cases and bake at gas 5 for about 20 mins, or until slightly golden and springy to the touch.

Chicken Milk Jug

Tah dah!

My first finished piece of ceramics that isn't basically a button!

It even pours! (If you put in too much milk, it dribbles all over, hence spillage, but enough for a cup of tea is fine)

I'm too excited to blog properly!

Eeeeeeeeeee!

Photo also shows my awesome doggie pawprint mug, which no one else is allowed to use...

Building a Cheapo Rabbit Paradise

First thing I did was bugger up Unconsidered Trifles I.
It's in the kiln now, being bisque fired, along with various other pieces I've made... but now it is missing the top.

Lesson learnt... do not wait to sand and final finish piece till it is bone dry.

So... moving swiftly on, I cheered myself up with gnocchi and cheese, and then started work on bunny house improvements (Neil cleaned the little buggers out earlier, so I only had to do the exciting bits, woop!)
Monsoon, the black bunny on the left is threeish. We had to get Khamsin (on the right, she's the lop bunny, less than a year old) to replace Zephyr, Monsoon's sister, who died last year, because Twinkle, the black cat was getting confused about what species she was... she's coming up to a year old now, but at 6 months, she was pretty convinced she was a rabbit, and Monsoon was trying to bond with her. Cue new bunny.

They all seem to get on pretty well... as you can see, the bunny zone is so cool, the cat likes to play in there. Today I've had a rearrange of the stuff in their enclosure, moved the shelf round and built on another two levels with fruit boxes.

Twinkle is sat on the new levels - two banana boxes, taped together, filled with straw and newspaper with a hole cut underneath and on-top so they can get in and out. It's balanced on top of the big plastic base of the 'indoor rabbit cage', which is where they do most of their pooping, and all of their peeing - they have a litter tray in there for peeing in, and another in the corner (bottom of a hamster cage) for lying in and digging and generally chilling out. Un-neutered girl rabbits are supposed to be near impossible to a) introduce as adults and b) litter train. Either everybody is lying, or, like every other animal in this house, they're a bit odd, because Monsoon litter trained herself, then taught Khamsin!

The big pine box is a small reptile viv with the electrics and the glass removed (the lizard has a bigger one, now located in the kitchen, because he was bored) where they like to hide out, since we can't see in, or get into it easily. There is also an expensive blue bunny cave (rarely used) and a red kiddy step... which is their favourite thing. They've also got treat balls, where we sometimes put their dried food - or in the bamboo pipe, which can hold all kinds of stuff - it used to be a hamster bed.

The shelf Khamsin is sitting on is freestanding - it was originally part of a computer desk. They mostly use it to slide along (Khamsin), hide underneath (Monsoon), hop on and off, sneak up on the cat and chase one another round.
They're kept in their zone by imaginative use of plastic wire fencing and the wire cage bit of the indoor bunny cage, which is on the edge of the spare room bed to prevent escapees.
Mostly they eat hay, a couple of handfuls of dry food scattered all over (today I put it into the new boxes to get them excited about going in) and a cabbage, broccoli or carrots. Sliced veg was only 35p a bag when I went shopping tonight so they got extra - most of it dropped into the smaller cardboard boxes, which I bring home from work. They're pretty sturdy bisque boxes... but they get chomped into oblivion pretty quick!
We try to move the shelf and plastic shelters around and give them new stuff to explore every couple of weeks - they seem to be brainier than the dog (they can use a treat ball, he can't) and the more interesting we make their environment, the more fun they are to watch...

Dead Dog Draught Excluder

So. There was a draft, and I needed an excluder.


I really wanted something awesome, like a sausage dog... in some cute fabric....

.... but I couldn't find one within my budget. In fact, my budget was 50p, so in fairness, I was never going to find one.

So I cut up 3 old pairs of cords, used a recycled zip, and some wadding I bought to make the quilt I ended up not making and using the fabric to make a sofa cover (which, coincidentally, you can also see in this pic)...

....and made this guy. 

Only slight problem is, I feel kinda guilty putting him on the cold tiles in front of the door. 

See. 

He looks cold.

Spiced Banana Muffins

So. Tonight I made muffins for the first time. It wasn't half as hard as I expected. I'm not completely certain why I thought it would be more difficult than say... cake. But I did. And they turned out great! 

It was a little stressful, but by following the top tip of the guy who looks a lot like The Bandit, I managed to make hygienic, tasty muffins. Obviously he has a driving hat and a cooking hat.

Banana Spice Muffins

This recipe is from the Genuine American Cookie and Muffin Book.

Line a muffin tray and set oven to Gas 6/200C

Sieve the following together in one bowl: 

12 oz plain flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp ground ginger

1/2 tsp ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg

In another bowl combine the following with the whisk: 

(add the milk last, cos it goes funny with the hot butter)

2 eggs

240 ml milk (just under 1 cup)

6 oz soft brown sugar

4 oz butter, melted

1 tsp Vanilla essence (I hadn't got any, they're still edible, but prob better with)

2 bananas mashed, but still chunky

Fold the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients, just until they are combined. 

Put 2 tbsp of mixture into each muffin cup. 

Bake for about 18-24 minutes, until the muffin tops spring back when gently touched. Allow to stand for a couple of minutes, then put on a wire rack to cool.

Sixties inspired rag rug

Been cracking on with my rag rug tonight - as a result, my right wrist is rather painful...

The piece on the left is not yet connected. The two new pods from today are made of plain cotton, and don't have the sheen of the satin.

The rug is being crocheted from a kingsize duvet cover someone gave me; it has a pleated satin side and a smooth cotton side, both in the same rich red. I'm stitching them together as I go with shiny ribbon yarn my lovely sister gave me.

Making Rag Yarn:
I'm ripping it into 1/2 inch wide strips, and joining them by making a slit in both ends of each, then passing the end of piece B through the hole in piece A... then passing the other end of piece B through the hole in piece B I've just shoved through piece A and pulling tight. I usually rip off about 12 strips and join them up, rolling them into a ball as I go, then I have a nice neat ball to keep the cat off, rather than a hank of strips she can steal from!

Swings and roundabouts

So, Celtique I died a horrible death during drying... next time I'm going to try drying very very slowly inside a plastic bag, and also designing the knot first and lining the mould with clingfilm so it can slither about a bit easier....

But on the upside, the windchime is lovely, and so is my little fish! woop!

Celtique I

Celtique I

*insert up own arse prose here about returning to one's celtic roots*






So I'm not entirely sure whether this will survive drying out, let alone the kiln... but here's hoping.

It's a celtic knot, based on 5 strands - as far as I know, it's not a real knot (see what I did there?) as I suspect it's a bit too lopsided for any self respecting Celt. I built it from strips of rolled out clay, weaving them into a glass bowl to begin with, and then when (due to extremely bad planning) the blasted thing was draping all over... I balanced it on a card sheet with a hole in it gaffer taped to the outside of the bowl.

Next time I'll try a) designing the flipping knot first and b) building a ridiculous structure to hold the sides BEFORE the edges start falling all over.

That is if this one survives drying out. And the flipping kiln. And glazing. And the flipping kiln again. And me carrying it around. Who am I kidding... there will never be another!

And in other news... the windchime is back in the kiln, sponged with various autumnal underglazes and then brushed with overglaze rather than dipping (I'm hoping like hell this will mean it is a thin coat - minimising drips and support marks, while still making it stronger and shinier).

Unconsidered Trifles I

Well... I sneaked back to the studio tonight and finished this off...

It's now drying out, waiting for sanding and firing. I'm thinking about buying some posh glaze, assuming it survives the kiln... maybe something like this Mayco Elements glaze; or some Crackle; or  maybe splash out on importing some of this Duncan Courtyard Rustic Sunset.... although in fairness, the Hearthstone colour might look better.  So many choices! God I love ceramics...

My first artwork

  

Woop! Spent the evening building this slab/coil pot thingy to the accompaniment of loud music and bad singing.

It was a GREAT night.

I've decided to call it 'Unconsidered Trifles I'

If you like I'll explain the motivation and emotionality of the piece....

...which is as yet, unfinished. I'm thinking I'll add more height tomorrow.

Button Factory

I may have got a leeetle over excited at the button factory... but they went through the washing machine, so I was fully justified!

Plus, not all of them are buttons. Some of it is a windchime :)

Only one more test for the buttons!

Well, the buttons made it through the kiln - the next test will be to tack them onto an item of clothing and shove them through the washing machine.

I definitely like the textures - next time I'm trying different types of fabric and a wider range of stamps. I've managed to get different shaped cutters in the right sizes too.

Tomorrow I have plans for more buttons, and also for a wind chime type thingy...

I made buttons!

Tada! I made buttons from my clay! And they've been through the kiln once without exploding... And now I've glazed them, so fingers crossed, they'll go through again tomorrow, and I'll be able to see if they worked :) I'm SOOOOO pleased!

...also, I started crocheting a rug from strips torn from a second hand duvet cover in a silky red fabric - it's really rather fabulous, but I'm torn between making a simple circular rug, and making one that's like all kinds of bubbles joined together. Watch this space...

Crochet hat with paisley feather.

So, this is my latest crochet experiment - it's an appalling photo I'm afraid - the hat has a very attractive scalloped edge, but you can see the crochet paisley feather pretty clearly.
I finished it today, and I'm pretty delighted - it remains to be seen if I get laughed at in the street though.

Lace type pancakes

So. I started blogging again because this was sooo unbelievably cool.... and ALL THE RECIPES ABOUT IT LIED.

Apparently this is really easy, and there are loads of pics of pretty heart pancakes and stuff... uh huh. Maybe if you're a really, really brilliant piper, or, if you just happen to have a squeezey bottle in the house when you decide to make crazy ass pancakes at 5pm on a Sunday afternoon... for normal people, this is how you can actually do it. Also... I suggest that you make normal round pancakes in the pan first, just to like... get your eye in.

You will need: 2 clothes pegs and a disposable piping bag. Or if you're really hardcore, and you LIKE being covered in batter... a homemade one. I'm not telling you how to make one, because I'm not hardcore, and I'm not nuts. Buy a roll in the supermarket, they're awesome (I realise this goes against earlier admonishments about the availability of squeezy bottles. I don't care. Squeezy bottles are not a life essential, disposable piping bags DEFINITELY ARE, and also the manufacture design is really cool).

You will also need: a LARGE, heavy bottomed, non-stick frying pan. You can make these in a little pan, but unless you have serious wrist control, you're going to spend a long time cleaning the environs of your hob. And a flicky over thing. And a plate to put the finished pancakes on. And scissors.

This recipe is in cups; a cooking cup is not the same thing as a mug. Sometimes cups are obviously the American way of safeguarding their recipes from copying by the outside world - in this case, it's just flipping simpler*. A cup is 250ml. Just in case.

The actual recipe:

• 1 cup plain flour
• 1 egg
• 1 cup milk
• 1/2 tbsp sugar
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1 tbsp melted butter

1. Sift the dry ingredients together (Delia says to do this from high up so it adds more air, personally, I've always found this adds more mess, but suit yourself).
2. Break egg into separate bowl and check it's still edible. ie. not smelly, and the yolk has not seeped into the white. Mine was officially best before 25 days ago, but it still looked fine. Might want to check I'm still blogging next week before using this advice though...
3. Chuck lightly whisked egg and milk into dry stuff and whisk together. 
4. Heat up pan. Then whisk melted butter into batter. 

At this point, you have perfectly good pancake batter you could make normally and save lots of mess. 

To actually make lace pancakes:

1. Open up disposable piping bag, fold top two inches over your hand so it won't slip through or get battery, pour batter into bag.  It probably won't all fit, don't worry, don't let the cat swim in it, and you can top up the bag later. 
2. This is the cunning bit: fold up the open end of the bag - fold the sides into the middle, then roll the end down a few times and stick a peg on it. You can now put the batter down without it going everywhere. Do a victory dance to celebrate your genius.
3. Squeeze the batter out of the pointy end, fold it over to prevent the batter shooting out, and cut off the tip. It is better to cut off too little than too much. If you do get snip happy, put the bag inside another bag and try to do better next time.
4. Hang the bag over the pan (which is hot, just in case you missed that bit) and unfold the pointy end to let the batter come out. Waft the bag around in little loops, trying to stay an inch or so from the side of the pan. When you have a fairly even pattern of loops, pinch the end to stop the flow of batter. 
5. This is the bit which is more cunning than seven foxes: fold the pointy bit up, and put the other peg on it... tah dah! Now you can put it down.  
6. When the pancake isn't sticking to the pan, and before it goes black, flip it over and do the other side. 
7. Make a slightly squished crease across the middle of the pancake with your flippy thingy. Fold the pancake in half, make another squished crease, and fold it in quarters. Arrange artistically on plate. 
8. Repeat ad infinitum. 

Eat them with something tasty. I went for yoghurt and tinned peaches, but only because they were on offer. 

*pun spotted on read through. argh.