3 Day Mississippi Mud Pie (Gluten Free Version)

Ok. So first, I didn't take a picture. We just ate it. And also, because I'm an idiot beyond belief, I bought single cream instead of whipping or double cream, so we didn't actually have whipped cream on top. We poured cream on it. Only, it wasn't so much cream as white water with a solid layer of pollution type sludge on top. Roughly every six years I go to the shop to buy cream, and instead of buying Double Cream, or even Extra Doubled Cream I decide to go for the healthier option, and buy Single Cream. Don't bother asking me why I did this for a 4" thick slab of oozy chocolatey goodness, I just did. And don't bother asking why I didn't buy Whipping Cream (Clue is IN THE NAME PEOPLE) ...I just didn't. And don't ask me why I continued to attempt to whisk the stupid stuff for 10 minutes with an electric whisk. Sometimes, you just have to persevere. This was not one of those times.

Furthermore I got the original recipe from Martha Stewart. Now Martha is indeed the queen. No arguments here. However, there is something she misses out of her instructions... if you are a normal person, not possessed of a time machine, and with even the teensiest of jobs... YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS IN ONE EVENING. You can't even make it in one day. I think, if everything went right, and you did some bits in your PJ's and you got someone else to walk the dog, clean pans, and run to the store for the stuff you forgot.... you might make it in two days. Personally, I'm thinking this is a three evening mega pie. You have been warned. It is, however, BLOODY DELICIOUS.

Also... you could just make the Flourless Chocolate sponge. It is nyomy and delicious. But definitely would need cream. Preferably whipped.

DAY 1.

The Pie Crust

Either: 16 oz Oreos whizzed to death and mixed with:
5 tbsp butter

Or: 1 pack gluten free digestive biscuits, whizzed to death and mixed with:
5 tbsp butter (melt 3/4 of a block, you'll need more later)
2 tbsp cocoa
1 tbsp caster sugar

This is where it starts to get annoying. After creating the crust, line the bottom of a loose bottomed tin. (It has to be quite deep, I used my xmas cake one, but didn't shove the base down past the annoying ribby bit, because I did that with a cheesecake and the results were NOT PRETTY.) Then put the crusty stuff in, and press it round the sides and across the base Martha suggests using a wooden spoon. Use your damn fingers, just wash your hands and don't scratch your butt halfway through. At this point you may wish to pause and think of some inventive swearwords.

Empty half the stuff out of one of the drawers of your freezer.

Put the crust in for 10 minutes. Take it out, restock your freezer. Put crust in oven at Gas 2 or 300F if you're a crazy American who likes to pretend you cook stuff REALLY FIREY HOT. After 10 mins, remove and place on a cake rack to cool. While you're trying to work out why you did all that for a glorified cheesecake base, you can make:

The Flourless Chocolate Cake

4 tbsp melted butter (told you)
6 oz Dark Chocolate = one cooking size bar. Melt it into the butter over a saucepan of water.

2 tbsp instant expresso powder (Dunno what this is... I used 2 tbsp Millicano posh instant coffee)
1 tbsp vanila essence
1/4 tsp salt whisked into 1/4 cup strong coffee at room temp. Unless you're a big drinker of lukewarm black coffee, this is the moment when you're going to need to a) make a cup of coffee, b) throw most of it away because it's now the middle of the night after all that pissing about with the crust and c) use all those inventive swearwords when you realise you're going to need to empty the freezer again. I used an instant Amaretto flavoured coffee just because I like it, then put the other 3/4 in my henna mix and dyed my hair, so it wasn't a total waste.

Right. Separate 6 eggs

Whisk 6 egg yolks with
1/2 cup caster sugar until light and almost doubled in volume. Add the chocolate mixture. Add the coffee mixture.

Beat 6 egg whites till foamy.
1/2 cup caster sugar should be added in small portions, whisking continually until peaks form.

Add the whites to the choc/coffee mixture in batches - don't over mix it, you want some whitish streaks through it at the end. Pour into the cookie base and bake at Gas 4 until set but still 'jiggling' - about 40 mins. Allow to cool, then wrap in cling-film and refrigerate overnight. IT IS SUPPOSED TO SINK.

DAY 2.

This is where you're either lucky, or like me. If you're lucky, go be smug at the mousse recipe. If you're like me, you'll discover that although it was set but jiggling last night, it's now clear that the top crust was set but jiggling, while the underneath was, in fact, uncooked. Cover with foil and rebake till the middle is fairly cooked. You're now going to need to let it cool for 3 hours in the fridge again. If you're luckier than me, you'll be able to make the mousse right now... otherwise, you'll need to wait till you get home from work.

Chocolate Mousse

3/4 cup caster sugar
1/2 cup cocoa
1 cup cornstarch/corn flour/ground arrowroot  (all gluten free, but the time to find out you've run out of corn flour is not at 9 pm after work and shops are closed)
1/4 tsp salt whisked together in a saucepan.
4 large egg yolks whisked in to make a thick paste (if your egg yolks aren't big enough, use 5 yolks and a dash of milk) then gradually whisk in
2 1/2 cups whole milk. Place over a medium heat and bring to the boil, whisking constantly. Boil for 30 seconds (still whisking). Transfer to a bowl containing
2 tbsp vanilla essence
3 tbsp butter
3 oz dark chocolate. Keep whisking till combined and slightly cooled. You may now lick the whisk. Allow to stand for 15 mins. Spread clingfilm over the surface (it has to be touching it) to stop it getting a skin. If you're amazingly lucky and it's not currently the middle of the night, you can refrigerate it for 3 hours and skip straight to the next step. And feel very smug, cos it's only taken you 2 days. Ordinary mortals, refrigerate overnight and tackle the next step on

DAY 3.

Stir the chocolate mousse to loosen it up (no, I dunno why either, it didn't make any difference) and pour it onto the cake. Don't go over the top of the crust, or you'll have a messy accident when you de-tin it. Refrigerate for 30 mins. You could use this time to go and buy the wrong cream and/or make a dinky little American flag for the top out of cocktail sticks and sticky labels.

Whipped Cream Topping

1/4 cups Double or Whipping cream
2 tbsp sugar whisked together until peaky. Slather on top of the mousse, prise the pie out of the tin and slither onto a plate and tah dah! all done.

Bitter Voice of Experience

This pie does not like to be warm. It oozes and collapses and is generally a pest. Keep it in the fridge till you're ready to amaze everyone.

Gluten Free Banana Cake with Stuff in.

This is (loosely) based on a Delia Smith recipe for Banana and Walnut Loaf from last century (1981). You can do a straight switch for plain flour if you don't want to be gluten free. You can also buy a bag of mixed dates, sultanas and 'toffee' at Sainsburys and whack that in... or add chopped pecans as well. Tbh, you can probably shove most stuff in this, and it'll taste great.

3oz melted butter
4oz light brown soft sugar
1 large egg
8oz flour
2tsp baking powder
4 bananas
8 dates
a handful of sultanas
1tsp vanilla essence
plus either a good big handful of chopped soft toffee OR dark chocolate. (Not both. ewww)

Mash the bananas and stir in beaten egg. Add the butter, vanilla essence and sugar, then sift in the flour and baking powder. Chop up the dates, nuts and chocolate/toffee till the pieces are about the size of sultanas, then throw them all in. Throw in the sultanas as well. Stir it all up, and slop into a couple of loaf tins.

Cook at Gas mark 4 till it's all golden and springs back when you poke it. Leave it to cool for a bit in the tin, then loosen with a knife and tip out onto a cooling rack. Cover with a clean dishtowel to stop the cat licking it.